Into the Mists... [entries|friends|calendar] Morgaine < Morgaine :: Faerie Girl ...and by many other names "Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today." -James Dean (1931-1955) Unearthly [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

*sigh* [Monday, November 10th 2008] Sometimes these are so scarily accurate.... Today's Leo Horoscope: Nov 10, 2008 Dear Leo, right now you could be overwhelmed by conflicts between your own needs, the needs of your family, and your responsibilities towards your job. As a result, you may be feeling tense and stressed out, and wondering if the situation will ever be resolved. Don't panic. It will - and you'll be none the worse for it. The keyword is balance, and the solution lies in finding it. Get to it! You'll want to put this behind you. 7

Incoming [Sunday, November 2nd 2008] Sweeping changes. I pulled the card of Death. I should have known. Death is only the beginning. I'm ready.

It's the most...*insert negative descriptor here* time of the year..... [Wednesday, October 29th 2008] And so it begins... When the buses are late or just don't show and I am stuck in horrid weather for long periods of time.....so not cool. It's a good thing I popped into Zellers to get that umbrella. It could have been a lot worse. On the brightside, I was up to do yoga yesterday morning again and it was great. Couldn't get up this morning though...not with the cold and the fact I was in bed late after an extra 4 hours of work at home. >.< It's all good. I'm not strict when it comes to stuff like that. Lastly, Goddess bless friends who can comfort you by calling you crazy and giving you logical reasons to counter your crazy thoughts. Oh and I need to buy black wings and that masquerade mask tonight before popping by Mum's for dinner and then heading of to Avalon. It'll be a tight squeeze for time but eh....such is my life. There aren't enough hours in the day! EDIT: Airline prices dropped a bunch. o.O I could buy my ticket to OZ a lot sooner. YAY! 1

Post-yoga feedback [Monday, October 27th 2008] I was out of bed at 6:00 AM this morning, allowing myself only 20 minutes to snooze. Pulling on my yoga shorts, I skipped to my living room to unroll my mat, light a bunch of candles to warm up the room, lit some uplifting citrus incense and pulled out my plan for the session. Relaxing music playing, I began my morning session which pretty much followed the same sequence of asanas that Lu takes us through during my Saturday morning classes. Of course, she changes things up every week but the core is still there. I am thinking of creating a second plan for every other day, alternating between the Hatha Yoga routine and the Kundalini Yoga routine. They're different and I don't want to mix. I don't want to be doing the same thing every day either. By 7 AM, I was done and ready to shower and prepare for the day, feeling all alert, limber and strong. I will work on a Kundalini routine tonight and try that tomorrow morning. As long as I get to bed early and get at least 6 hours of sleep every night, I should be able to continue. I'm feeling good today. :)

How to work through shadows...yoga it to death [Sunday, October 26th 2008] I wish I could do yoga every day. My gym/tai chi/yoga routine every week is by far, the best part of my week. I love how they make me feel after. Tranquil. Invigorated. Happy. Passionate. Strong. Comfortable in my skin. At peace with solitude. All at once. When I feel cruddy or I don't feel like socializing or doing anything....I look to yoga for "me" time and always come out feeling like I can take on the world even if by myself. I almost didn't go this morning but I am SO glad I did, even if Lu wasn't there. It's the whole mind/body connection that I love...and that happy-tired feeling afterwards. I mean, I probably could do yoga every day....if I had the discipline to wake up early in the morning for yoga and mantras....or in the evenings. Mornings are a better bet as it would be consistent but there's the issue of trying to get up in the morning. With winter coming, the cold, the warmth of my bed, the fact it's still dark in the morning......soooo depressing. I'm already snoozing for a whole HOUR every morning. I'd have to get to bed earlier.....I guess I could try once I figure out a good routine. I really love that Adi Shakti mantra I learned in that amazing Kundalini Yoga class that replaced my usual Hatha Yoga class on Saturday. I could sing that mantra every morning and feel amazing....hmm.... I think next session, I want to take a few classes a week if I can manage it on top of saving for OZ. Yoga is quickly becoming one of my favorite past times. And by the time surf season comes around again, I'll be ready. Yoga will get me through the long cold winter.... I don't know...this whole Shadow of fearing abandonment...I think yoga is how I'm coping. It's solo. It's all me. When I take the time to take care of my mind, body and spirit, it feels great. Like I said, I come out feeling like I can take on the world on my own. I have such confidence and a sense of pure joy when I finish. I walk with confidence and grace and I know I can do anything if I set my mind to it. I just wish the feeling would last hence the comments about wanting to do yoga every day. Maybe a morning routine will do some good...help me always feel this peace and joy. I do want to spice up my personal practice... Maybe I'll work out a routine now, get to bed early and give it a shot tomorrow morning. I guess I'll report in tomorrow with feedback.

Ugh...hot pad please. [Friday, October 24th 2008] This week is my busy weekend....busy in terms of activeness (as opposed to 'busy' in terms of witchy stuff). Tai Chi yesterday, gym tonight, yoga tomorrow and Sunday. I forsee multiple baths, movies and a hot pad in between all that. >.< Freakin' TOM. The other night I slept funny and woke up with this weird stabbing pain somewhere between my chest and back. I really felt it during Tai Chi when I'd breathe and feel the little stabs of pain. Dad reckons I pulled a muscle somewhere. If that's the case, my personal training session should be fun tonight....maybe I can get away with fewer push-ups. >.> Hot baths and hot pads.....oh and a quick trip downtown to Quiksilver to pick up that awesome pair of Roxy jeans I've had my eye on.  And then there's that Samhain get-together... I pulled out my winter coat this week. I actually wore a hat (hat hair = epic fail). Yesterday I bought my EMUs (I <3 them). Today I bought more leggings, leg warmers and flannel sheets. All that to say...winter's coming. *cries* Pass the hot pad please. 2

Hands, Part 2 [Thursday, October 16th 2008] Alright, alright. So Dad got really curious about having his hands read by our Tai Chi instructor because he's had them read twice before, was told the exact same thing, and was wondering what our instructor would have to say. So after a particular grueling but awesome class, Dad approached him and asked about his palm reading and the nice guy that he is, started to have a look on the spot. We ended up staying afterward for 30 minutes. So there I was, smirking and chuckling to myself as the guy listed off quite a number of DEAD ON things about my father, his personality and his life. Scarily accurate actually. I mean, there were a few 'questionable' things said (from my perspective) but some of those things may have or may not come into fruition. I don't know everything about my father's life. Honestly though, I couldn't help smiling at the accuracy of the things said. There were even things said that my Father wasn't aware of but that I was....like the ancestor guide from his grandmother's side of the family watching over him (and myself as well, which our instructor picked up on afterwards)....the fact that my Father is a very magical person with healing hands (now I don't whine about not inheriting 'gifts' from anyone ;) ) and when I suggested therapeutic touch and my instructor wholeheartedly (and surprisingly) agreed, my Dad was like....'wow, I know that I have certain gifts but like...okay'. Dad wants to read a book I suggested on TT now...hehe. My hands are apparently A LOT like my Father's and he looked at us both and said...'she's like you. You've got quite a powerful daughter there' and laughed when I told him I'm a Leo. He believes we've got a strong connection and I take after Dad a lot (true). Headstrong, creative, energetic, independent, leader, perfectionist.... He believes we've been together in past lives but this time around, after this life, we will both have the opportunity to break free of the cycle of death and rebirth and move on to the next level (hello Ceugant anyone? I've only been working on spiritual eveolution for how many years now? ;) ). I believe it. I know it. I am a charismatic leader and people follow me. I have an adventurous...what did he call it....'troublemaking' in the sense of 'naughty' side. I smirked. I am loyal and possess the loyalty people wish for but don't necessarily have. I am strong and have courage and I get the gifts I have from my Father. I'm also going to have 2 major loves in my lifetime and 2-4 kids, definitely 2. Hehe. Okay so my own interpretation of 2 MARRIAGES was shoddy. :P Anyway, his readings were awesome...surprisingly. But not surprisingly at the same time. I think what I was pleased with the most was what was said about my Father and I. It just makes so much sense and explains A LOT. :) I am glad for the connection I have developed with him. 3

*giggles* [Wednesday, October 15th 2008] Today is the first time in a long while that I transferred money to my ING account. Yay OZ!

Following the Signs [Thursday, October 9th 2008] I rolled out of bed late this morning. "Just 5 more minutes!" I groaned...for almost an hour. I caught the next bus after my usual and still got to work on time, knowing I still have that chocolate milk and muffin waiting for me (yes, the one I should have eaten yesterday morning). My mood was pretty chipper. I had pulled my Australia book off my travel shelf this morning and tossed it in my gym bag along with my Post-it block. I flipped through the book on the bus and stuck Post-its all over the Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne sections, indicating all the things Id like to see/do while over for 3 weeks. It kept me distracted and happy all the way over. I know the trip is only in the spring and autumn has just begun. I know it's too early to make plans when I won't have my ticket till mid-January. I know I can get carried away and put too much pressure on myself when it comes to planning big trips. The thing is, I need this right now. I need something substantial to look forward to, to keep pushing forward for, to keep me distracted and happy/hopeful. I need something other than the desperate hope things will get better because the day-to-day is not so exciting and I just can't appreciate the present moment as I should because, let's face it, the present situation isn't too great. So I'm going to fight for OZ and make all necessary sacrifices in order to embark on that bloody brilliant adventure waiting for me. This time, I know it's going to happen. I know it in my heart (my intuition's pretty good these days). Dreams of Aussieland kept me afloat last night when I received some rather disturbing/depressing news. I countered thinking about that whole situation by re-reading logs from last winter when I first started talking to the Crow. I read all the way up to present time, chuckling at some silly conversations, sighing longingly at some of the deeper ones, and just feeling blessed to be in this strange yet wonderful situation. It's pretty amazing how quickly and naturally things gelled. I should really read back like that when I find myself questioning the absurdity. He's given me some really insightful advice on the matter. He's so easygoing and laid back about everything. He has such trust and faith in this and ran with it from day one without thinking. Just feeling. We both just want a chance. One chance. Just to know. No big plans. No lifelong commitments. Just one opportunity to find out what we are. It's so...scary/exciting/insane/amazing. :) Of course, one aggravating (apparently 'joking') comment from someone set me on the road to a bad mood this morning but now as I write this entry, I am flooded with warmth and that cushy happy feeling again. It'll get me through the days. Yes, Jali. Signs. The Universe gently reminding me of my goals is not a bad thing at all. Spring is not that far off and by then, many things will be all sorted in my life. I'll fly over during my reawakening. It'll be...interesting. For now, I'll plan my budget (oh and I actually only need to transfer $700/month but $850/month gives me cushy extra. If I can manage $700 I'm swell and $700 is more than doable), hold on to the warmth of OZ, and this little Grasshopper (thanks Mom >.<) is looking forward to Tai Chi tonight. 5

If the Universe prods you toward Australia, make a plan. [Wednesday, October 8th 2008] Hee! So if I transfer $850 a month to my ING on the 15th of every month, then on January 16th, I can book my flights to visit Brisbane, Sydney AND Melbourne. I'm thinking the 18th of March to April 10th. That's TWENTY FOUR days to play and play hard. And I consulted my busy calendar with all my coven/Avalon/teaching dates and it fits. This is SO doable. *giggles* 1

Swinging to the other end again [Wednesday, October 8th 2008] Yesterday I felt like I was getting back on track. This morning, I feel gloomy. I want to curl up in bed under warm covers and hibernate till spring but I can't. The day started off cheerful. I left the house feeling chipper. I had a mind to take advantage of all the time I have this lifetime...to not look too far ahead lest I lose the moments I have now. I've got to follow my own advice, right? Mid-morning, this sinking feeling hit me and I felt frustrated and gloomy again. Now I can't shake it. Nothing has actually changed. Life situations are generally still the same. It's my outlook that fluctuates. On clear-minded days, I accept what is happening and reocgnize the beauty in the challenges. Today, the fog has rolled in and I just don't want to be here. EDIT: Today I learned that I can get pretty messed up if I miss breakfast. Note to self. Don't miss breakfast. I am fine now.

Signs...or just plain mockery [Tuesday, October 7th 2008] Flipping open my new Cooler magazine on the bus this morning, I landed on an ad to win a trip to Melbourne, Australia courtesy of EMU (I can't wait to get my pair of EMUs). Walking to Fairview after work with my co-workers, I was talking about Australia...heading to the bus stop, I was thinking and daydreaming about Australia. Standing at the bus stop, the two girls next to me were talking about an upcoming trip to Australia. Either that was a sign or the Universe was mocking me. -.- 1

Learning to let go [Monday, October 6th 2008] Recognizing the turning of the Wheel and our entry into the Shadowlands, the other night during pathworking we took a closer look at the Shadows we all need to work on as it is sometimes easier to go and meet them head on instead of waiting for them to manifest in our lives. Well, they have already cropped up in my life so this isn't anything new to me. As within, so without. However, I wasn't entirely sure what the problem was exactly nor how to deal so the pathworking was a perfect opportunity for me to find out. Given all the turmoil going on in my life, I knew I had to examine the Shadows of my Heart so I journeyed within to have a look at the state of my Heart center. The silvery cauldron was beautiful but it was struggling to fill itself with a golden light/liquid/substance. It was cracked all over and that golden light was spilling from the cracks all over the ground. I asked the Guardian what was happening and She said I am having difficulties retaining love. She says I give and give and give and am sometimes not able to save some for myself. I have a great capacity to love and care for people but sometimes, it is not extended to myself in that I am too self-sacrificing and thus I allow myself to get hurt, feel drained, take on other people's problems and feel guilty when I don't succeed in helping. When I can't help, I feel powerless and I keep pushing myself into situations until I do help, even if it kills me. I am strong for others, sometimes at the cost of my own well-being and this boundary issue is one of the major underlying reasons for being overly-stressed with life's many issues. She made it a point to tell me that I am a bright light and I do touch the lives of people crossing my path, however, I cannot help everyone. I must draw a line at some point, realizing that I can only do so much and I must allow the person to do the work they must...and only if they want. She said drawing said line does NOT mean I stop caring (which is a fear of mine and thus a reason for feeling guilty and not letting go) and it's very important that I learn to let go. If I can do that, then my heart center will heal and I will be all the better for it. I will be in a better position to be supportive of those who need it. That....is going to take a lot of work on my part but I will try my best. That's all I can ask of myself. I don't know how in the world I am going to be able to do this after learning my brother is really not doing too well..he may be worse, in fact, but I've got to try. I'm glad I went to pathworking at any rate.   2

Baby steps [Sunday, October 5th 2008] I slept a lot of yesterday and today and I do feel refreshed. I'm looking forward to the Brazilian Girls concert I'm going to tonight at Club Soda with my surfer friend Jessica. I've listened to some of BG's music; very funky, electronic, ambient. I really like it so when Jess told me they're coming in to Montreal, I said 'hey, why not?' That girl's got me trying all kinds of new things. The Brazilian Samba party was awesome! Yesterday started off quite 'blah-like' though I woke myself up with a Gerard/Denny fix and it was nice. I only really got myself together to go to the Yoga for Athletes class which my yoga teacher suggested I try. I was on the fence about coven but at least if I was up and out for yoga, maybe after yoga I'd want to go. So there was just myself and another guy in this particular class. The beginning warm up was the same as the Progressive Hatha Yoga class I could take in the mornings but we did this whole 'acrobatic' part of the class where we were working on all kinds of handstand/headstand asanas. Some of them were insane but for a first-timer, she said she was really impressed. I think the gymnastics when I was younger and the fact I work out regularly (hence being in the 'for Athletes' class) helped. Imagine handstands/headstands when your legs are every other angle except straight up.....and no wall for support. What a CHALLENGE but I loved the challenge. It's too bad she's canceling that class in that time slot because there aren't enough people. I can't make it to the same class on Thursdays because I have Tai Chi. Next session, I'll sign up for that class. Wicked. Just....wicked. By the end of class I was in that...happy, comfortable, tired zone. Relaxed and my body felt great. She's starting a co-op for particularly hard-to-find health foods that she is able to get because she's a raw vegetarian (or something like that) and we had a discussion after class about the benefits of eating certain foods. I'm going to get in on that as, of course, eating healthy is a very important part of living well . My personal trainer is always telling me 'if you can't get to the gym more than once this week, no sweat, just make sure you EAT'. So thank goodness for being active and taking care of myself. I'm just going to step it up a notch now that I've got a bit more free time on my hands since cutting myself off from other activities. I've been told to take care of myself and I will. Stressing out to the point my chest feels like it's going to explode is just silly and it worries everyone so...I'm just going to stop. I did end up going to coven after all and it's a good thing I did because we ended up working directly with Shadows. Hmm...Mom's starting dinner. I'll write about the important messages and revelations later. I've got to eat and then run off to the concert so time is tight tonight. TBC...

I'm so tired... [Saturday, October 4th 2008] ...tired and weary again. Every day I find myself on this crazy-ass rollercoaster. I mean, I love rollercoasters, but everyday? The ups and downs? It's making me sick. I don't want to do much of anything today but I will make myself go to yoga for 1.5 hours of mindlessness and coven just because. I'd rather not go but eh...

Of Horoscopes, Fabulous Destinies and Shiny New Glasses [Friday, October 3rd 2008] I just got this email in my Inbox. It's 2 days late...but considering the events of October 1st.....scary. Wednesday, Oct 1st, 2008 -- You may feel rather internalized today as your thoughts pull you deep into your own shadows. Exploring these inner realms can be quite healthy, but others might try to cajole you back into the sunshine. Living up to someone else's expectations now isn't what's most important. Don't walk on the sunny side of the street unless you've finished learning what you can from dancing in the dark. I am feeling 'better' today, better in the sense I am able to work and speak coherently. I still feel tired but it's Friday and it's the weekend, I will relax as much as I can (aside from the Brazilian Girls concert Sunday night at Club Soda). Though 'better', I don't feel I have a hold on any of these situations and I have no idea how I'm going to proceed but for now, it's alright. Rest and recover first. Then, come up with a game plan. Thank goodness for equally stubborn and persistent friends. I don't know where I'd be without them. <3 Oh and I completed Crow's homework last night. "Le Fabuleux Destin D'Amélie Poulain' really is a brilliant movie. I accidentally bought the French version so I watched it in French with French subtitles (and loved it in French). Audrey Tautou is fabulous. Beautiful, cute, playful. She was perfect in the movie. I smiled, giggled and was left with this amazing, warm and fuzzy feeling by the end of it. The music is dancing around my consciousness and I would love to visit Paris again. Such a romantic city. I didn't have a chance to visit Montmartre with Justin last time (3 days is hardly enough time but it was a kick-ass trip). Anyway, great movie. I definitely recommend it. Tai Chi was tough but fun last night. I love the physical and mental challenge of it. I love the fact that I push myself to work harder even though my muscles scream. Personal training at the gym tonight (another opportunity to test my limits) and then relaxation. I bought 'P.S. I Love You' the other day too so I think I'll curl up in bed and watch it again. I need all the 'feel good' I can get and P.S.....double whammy of goodness. Gerard AND Denny. <3 Lastly, I love my new glasses. That is all. 2

*le sigh* [Thursday, October 2nd 2008] All at once The world Can overwhelm me Theres almost nothin' That you could tell me That could ease my mind Which way will you run When it's always All around you And the feelin' lost And found you again A feelin' That we have no control -'All at Once', Jack Johnson Last night was a bad night.

Why hello, Wall. [Wednesday, October 1st 2008] So that wall I've been trying to avoid? I hit it today. It hurt. This is normal though. Oct. 1st....Samhain around the bend. This is prime SHADOW time. How convenient my current Mirror question involves my PERSONALITY. I'm going to go nurse my wounds for a little while while my HP points regenerate and I am whole again. So here's a warning...expect more cryptic, incoherent posts...or....the complete and utter lack thereof. But don't worry. I'm still alive. That's one thing you DON'T have to worry about.

I will be the Torch to Guide you through the Night [Wednesday, October 1st 2008] A few weekends ago, we offered an advanced workshop at Avalon Center on Celtic Shamanism. It is the follow-up workshop to Introduction to Celtic Shamanism, this advanced workshop focusing in on the Voyage of Mael Duin and his exploration of the 32 Islands of Annywn, the Celtic Underworld. In the workshop, we learned how work with the Islands can help us with any issues, challenges, questions we may have, all for the purpose of spiritual development. We can learn the lessons of our lives now before we die so that when we die, we could go straight to Tir nan Og. It was quite an interesting, advanced workshop and I had the opportunity to work on whatever needed to be worked on at the time. I had no idea which Island I would visit, but trusted my Guide to direct me to where I needed to go. She told me she would be the Torch to help me through the Dark when I asked her why she had appeared to work with me on my quest and then proceeded to direct me on a course that would take me on a quest of Vocation. This is a recurring question in my pathworking and my life right now. What IS my place in the Tapestry? What path am I meant to walk this lifetime and how do I get there? What role am I playing within my family? All that was revealed to me indicated that I am a Torch as well, as She was to me. I am a Torch helping guide people through the dark of night and I can see evidence of this all through my life. It's why I keep finding myself in all sorts of situations with all kinds of people. It's why I have trouble saying no and turning people away, why I am so self-sacrificing, why I am not always happy at work and am trying to find something in which I can work with and for people. It's also why I keep attracting trouble and why I tend to get hurt. I am the Torch that attracts moths to it, but in the end, I end up getting burned. Go figure. Anyway, deep down, I knew all this but sometimes I need it to be spelled out for me. Sometimes I need that cosmic clue-by-four kick to the head. I've been thinking a lot about this in light of some rather emotional chaotic situations that have crash landed into my life (as if life wasn't complicated enough!). Last week I left work early to meet my parents before they left for HK. We met at Timmies and waited for the pizzas we ordered for dinner a few doors down. Dad told me someone I know recognized him as my Dad when he placed his order. I knew who as she was one of my best friends in high school I lost touch with. So I went to pick up the pizzas when they were ready and went to chat with her. Great chat. Nice to see her again. But what struck me was the fact she THANKED me. She thanked me for being there for her during high school when she was going through some seriously ROUGH times. She said she really appreciated it and she misses me. I was surprised. Shocked, really. Almost 9 years since high school. I explained a little to my parents when I finally returned. They remembered her and they said to me, "See, Kel? You really do touch people's lives in a big way..." That was also surprising, coming from them. I know they appreciate me for the support I give but those words....they meant a lot given our situation these days, especially. Sometimes I call myself Hurricane Kelly. Sometimes I see myself as this destructive force blowing through people's lives and stirring up shit. An instigator. A catalyst. Trouble follows me around...or maybe I am trouble. But you know, I don't do it on purpose. I'm not an aggressive force. I like to think myself gentle....maybe a refreshing wind of change? I don't know. I try to do good...to live a life of responsibility....to be helpful and supportive. Sometimes it works, oftentimes it backfires. But eh. Fact of the matter is, I am still *trying* despite all the trouble, hurt, pain, emotional turmoil that gets stirred up in my life and others'. I'll never stop trying because this is who I am. This is my Path. I am the Torch. I am the Phoenix rising from the Ashes. I am Fire that warms, inspires, but also burns and destroys to make way for new growth. As much as it hurts me sometimes, I am still proud of who I am and who I am becoming and I wouldn't change me for the world. So I don't apologize. I will not apologize for being me. On a side note, speaking of Phoenix, that night when my family had that....situation, I told a member of my family about Phoenix. Risking being told I'm a nut, I told him that through my work, I've discovered that our family totem is the Phoenix. Phoenix is a symbol of our family. It represents love...a bringer of peace...and the very notion of the Phoenix rising from the Ashes is a source of strength and inspiration. So as a family, we chose to take birth together so that we may learn the real meaning of love...unconditional...so that we may rise above the challenges life throws at us together with love as the purpose, the motivator. Phoenix will guide us through these dark times too and if we can rise above our challenges, there will be peace and freedom. I told him to think about that and hold us close. Let the Phoenix be our Torch. "Be the change you want to see in the world." -Mahatma Gandhi

One more tidbit... [Tuesday, September 30th 2008] I was just reading back on some of my recent entries and I realize I have not exactly written any updates in terms of the Doc. Actually, the past few weeks haven't seen too many entries from me when most of the turmoil's gone on. I guess I've been taking time to digest and sometimes there is far too much going on in my life and in my head to be able to properly write things down. Anyway, I re-read some of the things I wrote and was a little saddened by the hope and warmth expressed. I really did have such hope back then. I was happy. Fact of the matter is, it's all over. I don't know how. I don't know why. But he's MIA over a month with no contact and at this point, I'm moving on. It hurts that I don't know why this happened or what exactly happened. Part of me is worried, but I have absolutely no way of knowing unless he finally writes me back. He hasn't. I can't sit here hoping he will. I invested a lot into this. I opened myself way too much. I completely let down my guard and was entirely myself. My heart aches, but I wouldn't say it's been broken. I won't allow it to break. Part of me feels weird that I am not more broken up about this. I can't exactly say what that means. I mean, I am certainly hurt and the lack of closure is frustrating, but...bah. I guess I have to be honest with myself and admit that...I wasn't 100% invested in this and we won't get into the reasons why. My best friend my have a hunch but yeah.... >.< Anyway, that's that. Another lesson learned. Cath, I'm okay. It stings a little, but I am really okay. 2

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